Chapter 10 - What I Owe Ninety Seconds and What I Owe Her

I signed the final custody paperwork on a Thursday afternoon in a conference room that smelled like new carpet.
Aaron sat on my left and Ellen sat on my right and Cole did not come.
His lawyer came, and his lawyer signed, and his lawyer said one sentence to the judge about his client preserving his rights, and then it was over.
The whole thing took eleven minutes.
I had spent eight months of my life getting to those eleven minutes.
Afterward Ellen walked me down to the lobby and said, "You don't have to be here anymore.
You can go be a grandmother now."
I said, "That's the plan."
She said, "The FBI review is going to take a long time, Diane.
You should know that going in."
I said, "I know."
And I do know, and I have known since March, and I have made my peace with it the way you make peace with weather.
The agent assigned to Marissa's case is named Dolores Vance and she calls me on the first Wednesday of every month at two o'clock like a dentist appointment.
She tells me what she can and she tells me when she can't tell me anything, which I have come to respect more than the other kind of official.
In June she told me that the money withdrawals in San Juan stopped in February of last year.
In August she told me that Marissa's name had come back on a shelter intake form in Ponce under a different spelling.
In November she told me that they had not located her, and that they had not stopped.
I keep that phone call on the calendar the way I keep everything else.
I still have the clip on my phone.
I want to be honest about that, because I have thought about deleting it more than once, and I have decided not to.
It is not pride.
It is that I watched a man stand in my driveway with a phone for eleven hundred dollars, and I watched a neighborhood make up its mind about me in about ninety seconds, and I do not ever want to be the kind of person who forgets how fast that can happen to anybody.
I keep it saved.
I told Nora about her mother in pieces.
I did not do it all at once, because you can't, and because there is no manual for it.
The first piece was easy.
I said her mother loved her very much and had to go far away for a while, and that she wrote a letter just for Nora, and I took it out of the manila envelope and let her hold it.
Nora held it with both hands like a bird.
She asked me if her mommy was coming back.
I said, "Baby, I don't know.
But the people who find lost people are still looking.
Every single day."
She asked me why.
I said, "Because I asked them to.
And because you deserve to know."
That was enough for her that year.
It won't be enough forever, and I know it, and when it isn't I will tell her the rest.
The rest is that her father is under federal investigation, and that her mother's signature was forged on a document with my name on it, and that a man was paid to stand in the street and wait for me to look like a monster.
I will tell her all of it when she is old enough to carry it.
What I will not do is let her carry it alone.
In April she planted marigolds with me along the edge of the pool deck.
She picked the spot herself.
She pointed at the exact piece of coping where I had put my hand on that Wednesday in February, the spot the cameraman had panned down to, and she said, "Here, Gramma.
Right here."
I said, "Why here?"
She said, "Because it's the deep end."
So we planted them there.
They came up orange and gold by July and they were taller than she was by the end of August, and she calls them her flower wall.
The last thing I want to say is the thing I have said to Ellen and to Aaron and to Dolores Vance and to every neighbor who came to my porch with a casserole.
If a stranger films you at your worst, you do not get to choose the ninety seconds.
You get to choose everything after.
I chose the girl.
May you like
I would do it again tomorrow, with the camera running, with the whole street watching, with the same finger pointing at the same wall.
I would do it again.